Delusion

It’s funny how some of the relationships you form in life can be so heavily asymmetric. You put someone ahead of everything else in your life and then you find that you’re at the lower end on their list of priorities and all this while everything you’ve been saying and doing and sacrificing has meant precious little if anything. Nothing has made any kind of impact or any kind of difference. It can be a real eye opener and you wonder if it were better to have not known at all. That blissful state of ignorance where you think that you actually have a place in someone else’s scheme of things makes you feel wanted. And then in a matter of hours that grand illusion gets shattered as effortlessly as a glass of wine tossed against a wall. When you look back you realize that you should have seen it before. There were dozens of telltale signs but you were too busy deluding yourself to take them seriously. It leaves you feeling useless and empty, like a discarded banana peel or an old pair of shoes; deflated like a balloon from last month’s birthday party. You begin to doubt everything and everyone around you. You wonder if you’ve ever made an accurate judgment in your life. Paranoia spreads like cancer and everything you see or hear has insidious hidden meanings. It destroys everything you have ever held to be true and loneliness and bitterness become the only emotions you can feel anymore. It is perhaps better to remain in that delusional state. Reality just isn’t worth it sometimes.